


Searching

by fragilespark



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: M/M, Unrequited Squall/Seifer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-26
Updated: 2011-07-10
Packaged: 2018-05-03 15:33:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5296697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fragilespark/pseuds/fragilespark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Squall pines after Seifer, and Irvine tries to convince him to choose him instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Unfinished

"Squall, stop staring at him. He's straight."

Squall turned his head away, as if nobody existed. Not Irvine, not Seifer.

"You don't believe me, do you?"

He hadn't even said anything. For all Irvine knew, he could be straight too.

"When you get sick of being lonely, just think about my lips around your cock, and give me a call."

Squall felt the heat of indignance and arousal and tried to banish the images that had arisen from Irvine's words. "Whatever."

"Ah, I guess that's my cue to leave and let you think about that one."

The leaving part suited him. There would be nobody but him and Seifer in the Training Centre. Just as he'd built his courage up, Irvine had knocked it down again. Still, there would never be anything unusual about being seen with Seifer, especially when they had their gunblades. Nobody would ever have to know anything. After Irvine left he tried to make better use of the mental image and picture Seifer instead, but the hit of excitement was so good he had to think of something else to avoid ending up with a hard on while watching Seifer work out.

"What is this, a spectator sport? Stop being a lazy ass."

"You done warming up?"

"I can beat you without a warm up, Leonhart."

Squall got down from the wall he'd been sitting on. "And bitch about your sore muscles afterwards."

Seifer pointed Hyperion at him. "You should worry about yourself. You've certainly worked your jaw enough, now what about the rest of you?"

"I'm ready."

Seifer began the attack and they sparred. Nobody could say they were holding back to start with but the fights always got even more intense as they went on. Seifer was on form, knocking Squall's gunblade to the side and tackling him to the ground for a win. He was on top and grinning and it made Squall's heart race. This had to be as good a moment as any.

"Seifer... I want this to last. I want to keep having good times with you."

Seifer laughed. "I can't believe it! You like getting your ass kicked."

"No, not that! Spending time with you."

Seifer raised his eyebrow. "You saying you finally realised I'm awesome?"

"I don't want to feed your ego by saying yes, so I won't."

Seifer stood and helped Squall up. "You are a strange thing."

"But you don't mind, right?"

"You are talking an awful lot. What happened? Enlightenment?"

Squall ran his fingers through his hair. "Maybe... something like that."

"Oh, do I want to know?" Seifer looked at him, intrigued.

"The truth is..." Everything he'd ever imagined, good and bad, was flashing through his mind. It was terrifying. "I like you."

He wasn't sure if it was the adrenaline making time seem slow or if Seifer really wasn't saying anything. It must have only been a few seconds before Seifer closed his eyes and turned away.

Squall let out a rush of breath. He had to know. He tried to speak Seifer's name, nothing came out.

"I know what you're trying to say."

Squall begged the universe to let him feel the same.

"You need to be fighting for the right reasons. Not to get your rocks off."

"I- I'm not. Seifer, you're the one who always wants to fight with me."

"Yeah." Seifer shrugged and walked towards the exit.

Cold. Shut off. Squall was being crushed with every step. What hurt the most was that he hadn't answered, but there was no way it could be good. Not like this. Yet the hope clawed at him.

 

"I can't believe you're still pining after the guy."

Squall couldn't get away from Irvine so he wrapped his arms around himself. "I'm not pining after anyone."

"You know, the others might not be as observant as me, but they still know 'something's up' - are you going to let this ruin things with everyone else too? I told you, he's straight. Get over it."

If only he knew for sure. If only Seifer had said something that day to make it clear. Then he could bury his hope along with his fantasies. "You think you know me. You're wrong."

"Then put me right."

"That's a hard ask."

"Wow, lion's got claws. It's easy to forget, the way you act."

"I don't get why you're antagonising me."

Irvine smirked. "Why should Seifer get all the fun? Admit it, you need this."

Squall frowned.

"You wouldn't have to suppress your other side with me. You can have the best of both worlds. Rivalry and sex."

Squall stalked away. He didn't want any of that - and Irvine fancying himself his rival? Whoever gave him that idea needed hunting down. He preferred the old Irvine he'd known briefly but the war had been changing them all. Or maybe he was just finding out what people were really like. Or maybe he'd brought it on himself. He hadn't sparred with Seifer since the confession. He hadn't asked. A rejection would be a stab to the heart, a reminder that he wasn't wanted in other ways, either. This limbo, this agonising limbo, was all he could let himself take.

 

When Seifer asked, the beckoning taunt was missing. There was nothing. It was gone. The spar revived him but he knew he was at Seifer's mercy and when he lost it felt inevitable.

"You. Need to get stronger. Stop fucking spacing out all the time."

"I was right here."

"What do you want from me?"

"Nothing."

"Then we're done." Seifer holstered his blade. "Next week."

Squall let him walk away, feeling the punishment across his heart like a familiar scar. He couldn't see another way.

 

The sleek lines and cool colours of the Esthar palace suited Squall's taste and he was glad that Laguna wasn't over-decorating the place. Then again, he was aware that he was probably assuming too much about his father and he didn't want to misjudge the one person who genuinely cared for him. The friendships forged in the war had formed a family, but they were fragmenting and this was the only real family Squall had. Laguna and Elle. He couldn't call this place home, but his tether to Garden was a sense of belonging and duty that was fading. If he chose something else to replace it, would he end up losing that too?

"Squall?"

He looked up.

"You want mash?"

Squall reached and took the plate from him. Laguna always liked to have dinner served in separate dishes, even though he always took some of everything anyway. It was rare that either Squall or Ellone refused anything either. Maybe it was to do with the orphan upbringing. 

Laguna and Elle had conversation enough for the three of them; unlike his Garden friends they didn't seem to try to get him to talk when he didn't want to. It made him feel comfortable and more willing to contribute. Later on. When his issue with Seifer wasn't draining him so much.

 

He took a hot shower and let the water ease the tension in his muscles. He knew what would help but was reluctant. Thinking about Seifer would only hurt him, and the image Irvine offered up was loaded with bitterness. He didn't know what Irvine was after. If Squall took it at face value then Irvine wanted him, and was completely uninhibited about letting him know. To have someone that was openly offering him sex... Squall gasped and turned the water to cold before hs thoughts took the wrong turn. He endured it through sheer willpower but with nothing to distract him but his broken heart he gave in and chose the least painful fantasy.

He panted, moving his hand quickly over his cock. He'd never masturbated to the thought of anyone but Seifer before. He imagined Irvine in the shower with him, knowing he'd have to peel away the silly cowboy outfit, wondering if Irvine would be less arrogant without his layers of show. He felt a little distaste that he was fantasising about Irvine but he ignored it and concentrated on the image. Without the hat and ponytail, Irvine's hair would be loose under the spray, curling against his wet skin. Squall panted and worked himself faster. He didn't want his fantasy Irvine to say or do anything, just stand there, unlike Seifer... Squall almost choked on the water as Seifer replaced Irvine and he came hard, sighing his name.

 

Squall didn't want to return to Garden. He had his comfortable little sanctuary in the palace but duty overrode everything else and he packed the few clothes he had brought and headed back. When he thought of seeing Irvine his mind gave him a few embarrassing reminders of the fantasy, but when he thought of Seifer he was brought harshly back to reality and pain.

"I'm a mess..." Squall whispered to himself when he was back in his room, dragging his fingers through his hair. If he was going to survive by going through the motions then he was going to have to find something to occupy his mind. He put on his uniform and went to the office, ignoring most of the people on the way as usual. What he needed was a project. He stood, hands on hips, looking at the bookcases in the office. Most of the stuff could be archived.

The door opened and Selphie walked in, wearing Irvine's hat. Squall started and felt himself grow hot.

"Hi! We're going to go to Balamb town for lunch, wanna come?"

"We?"

"Irvine and Quisty, Zell's already there and Nida's a maybe."

Irvine walked in before he had a chance to respond, holding out his hand to Selphie. She grinned and handed him back the hat. Squall avoided looking at him. He should have gone with pain. How was he going to face him now? Seifer's omission from the list must have meant he was a no.

"You coming with us?" Irvine said.

He could do with getting ideas for a project. "...okay."

Selphie gave a "Yay!" and headed off.

Squall's gaze followed her to the door. "Please don't tell me she's driving."

Irvine smiled. "Don't worry. Quisty's already got the car. Shall we?"

Squall looked around him but there was nothing to stall with. He nodded and walked past Irvine to the door. He wasn't sure if it was Irvine or his clothing, but he thought something brushed his waist and he felt the effects of the touch go straight up his spine. He stepped into the lift and when Irvine joined him he remembered the fantasy in the shower and wanted to kick himself. His mind seemed determined to remind him of it at every opportune moment. He was going to go crazy at this rate. His heart was going faster than usual and Irvine seemed quite happy to stand there looking at him, he could see he was even without meeting his gaze. Asking if he wanted something was bound to get the wrong kind of answer.


	2. Chapter 2

The music wasn't to his taste. He liked his music like he liked his people: unobtrusive. The bass was too loud and the random unnecessary beeps interrupted his thinking. So it was with relief that he accepted Irvine's invitation to step outside somewhere quieter. The cool air outside the club cleared his head and the music was dulled to the background where it belonged.

"It's not your scene. Why did you come tonight?"

"I don't see anything questionable about going out with my friends."

"Squall. Don't push yourself to be someone you're not."

All everyone had ever done was push him. Even Seifer, though his style was to make Squall push his limits. It was disconcerting to have someone want him to be just Squall. He didn't even think that was good, to be left to his own thoughts and misguidance. It couldn't possibly be healthy. He looked up at Irvine. "You mean you'd rather I was in my room moping by myself than out here with you, even though you want to get in my pants?"

Irvine smiled. "I'd prefer you be comfortable. With me, but in the end that part's optional. I'm sure that you don't want to be moping given the choice. Where do you really want to be?"

Squall drew a blank at first. Work? With Seifer, sparring? No. With Seifer, having sex? What life did he have outside Garden and Seifer anway? His hand went to rub his scar but he noticed and stopped the movement by his face. "I don't know. I don't mind it out here. Just not in there."

Irvine looked out into the darkness. "Do you remember me telling you that my life was a lonely one? I don't think we're so different."

Squall couldn't concede that point. There was a vast difference between them. However, he knew loneliness. He didn't understand why people tried to work so hard to convince themselves everyone was so alike; it didn't matter. What mattered was respecting differences. Squall sighed. He never felt respected by the people supposedly close to him, only by people who didn't know him. The exceptions were Laguna and Elle. "So we're both lonely bastards. So what?"

"Well..."

"That's not enough."

Irvine stood up straight. "Give me a chance to work on it?"

"I'm not a fucking executive that you have to pitch to."

"You can't blame me for trying."

Squall turned his gaze to the window that let out the ever changing lights from inside the club. He couldn't blame him. It was too late to pretend he hadn't crossed the line into considering it, otherwise he would already have told Irvine to go fuck himself and he would have chosen moping over the club any day.

Irvine approached him. "Just wait til I get it right. It'll be the best thing that ever happened to both of us." He didn't wait for a reaction and just headed back inside.

Squall wondered where he got his confidence.

 

Squall heard Zell before he saw him, his soft groan betraying the extent of his hangover. Squall sat next to the hunched figure and pushed his tray towards him. "Eat something."

Zell shook his head.

"Painkillers?"

Zell waved his hand. "Already took."

Squall took his tray back and sipped his coffee. Garden's food and drink had improved slightly since the war and its aftermath. Squall had the joy of reviewing the budget as part of the work Cid left behind, although it was generally an easy task as there were more funds than the previous year. Even with NORG's removal and the Faculty's gradual replacement, he now had full support from Esthar and was working on better co-operation with the other Gardens. Without Zell's usual chat he pondered his situation. Working and living in the same place, 24/7. He needed to break free from that bubble somehow. He picked at his breakfast until Zell finally lifted his head. "Feel better?"

"Nn.. you're good for hangovers."

Squall's brow furrowed a little in bemusement. "Thanks?"

Zell yawned and looked towards Squall's tray. "Mm, that offer still going?"

"Yeah." Squall wasn't a big eater at breakfast anyway. He wondered how much of last night Zell actually remembered. "When you're feeling better maybe we can check on that redhead."

"...huh?"

Nope. Didn't remember a thing.

 

"I don't know what to do anymore. How can I choose between them? One I've just... seen myself with, for so long. And then the other just comes from out of the blue. What do I do?"

"Never thought I'd see the day you had to choose between two dates, Chickie."

"Don't- Will you stop calling me that?"

Silent, Squall watched them bicker. Selphie was trying to get a word in to offer some advice. Squall had taken Zell to apologise to a recently transferred student from Galbadia, since he had spilled his drink on her the night before. Zell was more surprised than anyone when she asked him out, but he was evidently still interested in the library girl. Squall couldn't entirely sympathise. Zell hadn't asked her out and been rejected. He had a choice between them, or the illusion of it. Squall didn't have that any more. At least Seifer spoke to him, occasionally. It was as if he'd never confessed, but the dynamic had shifted. The comfortable, playful rivalry was gone and Squall felt its loss more keenly than any potential relationship he had imagined. He just had to be patient. He knew how to do that.

"I know! We can have a party and invite everyone! Then you can spend time with them both!"

Both blondes groaned. "Why is everything solved by either a party or blowing things up?" Seifer said.

"Well, I don't think blowing something up would be appropriate in this situation," she said in all seriousness, "and come on, it's been a while. We could invite Rinoa!"

Squall noticed they all looked at him. "...you don't need my permission. She's also your friend."

"Great! I'll arrange it!"

"Selphie. Just as long as you don't do it as part of the Festival Committee. Garden has other things to plan for."

"Okay, okay." Selphie sat back in her seat and pondered. "Balamb. Not far."

"Not Zell's house. Please."

"Hey! What's wrong with my house?"

Seifer grinned. "I heard it smells of fish."

"Zell! Calm down. Let's... let's go phone up the hotel, see if we can get some food booked. We won't let the guests pay, but we can split it between us, right?"

Not that they had a choice.

 

For the second time that week Squall found himself in a social setting outside his comfort zone, although this small party was much better than the club. He wore a dark red shirt with his leathers. He didn't care about fashion, he wore what he felt comfortable in. When there were people around, he needed his clothes to feel like armour. He didn't understand why people always wanted to have fun with their outfits.

He was bored. Seifer was on the other side of the room. People were chatting and eating but it felt as if the evening hadn't started yet. Then he had the horrible feeling that he was waiting for someone. Irvine.

Squall would not accept that. It was looking likely that he was going to end up using Irvine to get over Seifer but there was no way he was going to fall into the trap of seeing him as a substitute, following his lead and moping after him. Hell no. He strode over to Selphie and Myra, the redhead, who were lost for words at his sudden approach.

"...so... how are you finding Garden?" Not earth-shattering, but even Squall Leonhart could manage basic small talk if he wanted to.

"It's good. A refreshing change." Good thing her accent wasn't as strong as Irvine's.

"We always welcome suggestions from people who can look at our Garden without the veil of familiarity." Something he couldn't do.

"Squall, you're so formal! Don't talk about work now." Selphie put her hands on her hips, "and I haven't seen you try any of the food yet."

"Okay, I... intend to."

"And refill Myra's plate while you're at it!" Selphie skipped off. Squall wasn't sure if she was bored of sticking to the new girl's side just because she had been in that position herself. In any case, it seemed it was up to Squall now to get her talking to Zell, and by the look of it to obtain some food before Zell ate it all.

Squall fully intended to carry on the conversation. The problem was he couldn't think of anything to say, especially now that the main thing they had in common - Garden - was banned as a topic.

"It's okay, I'll get my own."

"Okay." Squall wandered over and while he was busy half-filling his plate, he heard Irvine's voice somewhere behind him greeting the others. It wasn't long before Irvine was at his side. Squall looked up. Irvine was in a black shirt that wasn't completely buttoned. "You don't waste any time, do you?"

"Well, the possibility of seeing you eating a cocktail sausage was impossible to resist."

It was so ridiculous that Squall had to laugh.

Irvine looked around. "You know, I don't think anyone else heard that. Which means that laugh was all mine. I'm honoured."

Squall turned round. Myra had gone over to Zell who was refilling her drink. "Whatever."

"Squall."

"What?"

"You look stunning."

Squall shook his head. Flattery got Irvine everywhere.

"I mean it."

"Whatever. I don't want to be stunning." He wanted to sit in a corner and eat, unobserved.

"Can't help what you are, Squall." Irvine left his side to get himself a drink. Squall wanted to use the opportunity to go talk to someone else, but the only person standing alone at that moment was Seifer. He didn't know if he could do it.


End file.
